I awoken! Literally, this morning in my dreamy state of mind, before my 5am alarm, before the sunrise, I noticed my mind thinking about this job interview. Subconcious rising, thoughts surfaced, “White people look at the surface. How I talk, what I say, how enthusiastic I am, basically, do I exude the personality that reflects themselves?”
I don’t really fit into any mass social expectation of How I Should Be.
In the many online spiritual summits, coaches, leaders, I see predominately woman (because I follow women empowerment) of Caucasian ethnic background. I believe subconsciously, there is a resistance within me. I am not like them. I don’t look like them, I don’t talk like them, I don’t sound like them, I don’t have the same entitlements as them.
I’m a woman of a mixed Asian ethnic background, growing up in a mix culture, where many Caucasians felt to be a minority. Where Caucasians felt suppressed, felt the need to fit in. I felt the need to support them to feel included and accepted. So, consciously, I had rejected the idea that I felt this prejudice within me.
I experienced prejudice behavior in the mainland, yet, they were kids, college kids and teens, and felt their fear in their hate. And at the same time, deep inside, I could feel, I was different on the outside. Not just my skin color, or my features, but I felt different of how I felt inside, how I talked, what I thought about, what came to my mind. I had felt that I didn’t belong here, on earth, my obstacle of being human, living a spiritual life. It went deep beyond what others said.
All of this lead me to seeking truth. Deeper inside me, I knew we were all one. We were not that different at some deeper level. I wanted to reject the superficial dismembering of myself and society, the in masses.
I literally awoke, in this realization that I am afraid because at some layer of thought, I believe I am less than because of who I am.
Sadness, like a fist, clenches my heart, as I write this.
I am less than because of who I am.
I let the tears surface, and roll off my eyes like honey. The sensation of these slow rolling tears, gives me freedom. Freedom from my own mind.
I am less than because of who I am. I know this is not truth. My mind observes this at a distance. I am less than because of who I am.
Truth: I am valuable because of who I am. I am enough, because if who I am. I am enough at this moment, in every way, in the next steps of my life. As a contributor to this collective world, I am, as you are, essential. We are essential humans to this existence, every single one of us. I finally understand this with my heart and soul.
I begin to see the unfolding of my purpose and my lesson in one. To be a leader of women, those who feel the struggle, those who share this ancestral karmic relationship that I feel, those who experience this obstacle of being human, the obstacle of humanity.
So what do I do now? Sit with this, let it unfold, let it simmer and allow it to grow and expand.the newness of this revelation feels like an opening in my heart and the act of opening is in itself a doing. I don’t need to do anymore than I’m doing now. Patience, calm and celebrate this moment. This is a result of the 40 day affirmation collectively with other woman across the globe, shared by Holly Burling: